My Story: Vincent P.

I begin from my earliest memories at age four when I was watching home
movies at my Aunt Grace and Uncle Joe’s house. I recall that time as being
a happy period in my life before my brother began to play those sibling
games that are common with most of us. The only exception here is that
those games persisted until I fought him off of me in the swimming pool of
my parents’ house at age fifteen or so.

To this day, my brother and I have an uneasy, but amiable relationship. We
are not close; at least I admit to not feeling close to him. And yet, I
have always wanted to have a close relationship with my brother, and feel
that the lack of that close relationship has been the core of my inability
to be intimate with men. My mother is my model for my inability to be
intimate with women. The dominant emotion that surfaces for me with
intimacy is FEAR! Fear of being rejected; fear of being judged negatively,
and fear of not being loved on an equal measure as to how I am loving the
other person. Basically, I’m afraid of being hurt, and that brings up
images of my early childhood.

That fear has often turned into isolation, anger and sexual “acting-out” as
a means of avoiding the fear and the pain of being emotionally bruised. I
have built a wall of armor around myself that tells the world, “Keep out;
trespass at your own risk!” And yet, I revel at my positive relationships
with my family, friends, co-workers, colleagues and clients today. I know
that I am a loving, gentle, passionate, sexual, and nurturing man who wants
only to be accepted for who I am and to give of myself easily to others on
my own terms. I want to give when I want to, and I want to receive from
others when I am ready to receive those gifts. Life is a give and take
situation; we need one another to make it through the bad times as well as
the good times. But – and this is a big BUT – I am afraid most when my life
begins to flow in the right direction. I am afraid that a big roadblock, or
monster, or impenetrable force is waiting around the corner to slam me down
to the floor! The basic theme here is that: “I don’t deserve good things
happening to me in my life.”

I do know that I can get men! I have built up my body to fit the image! I
walk into a bar or club with the attitude that I will be sexually gratified,
at least for the moment! And yet, I don’t even give my body the credit that
it deserves from all those hours at the gym and depriving myself of treats
that add too many calories and make me fat! I know that I still have that
image of the fat boy from years ago and have difficulty letting him go!
Perhaps I don’t have to let him go. Maybe I’ll let him stay with me along
with the other cast of characters that I have in my repertoire.

It is my choice as to how much power I give to those characters that do not
serve me, instead of giving my power to myself as Vincent! This is an
on-going struggle, but thanks to the SCA Program and AL-ANON Program, I feel
stronger and more confident in just being who I am today, and that I am
enough just for being who I am! I am learning to trust in myself and to
love myself more each day, and as a result, I know my life is working for
the better and my dreams are being realized. Thank you.

Trauma and Addiction

The following are excerpts from an article by Robert W.

For a very long time in the world of psychology, when clients manifested symptoms of trauma and sought help to understand their feelings and behaviors, they were “diagnosed” as weak-willed and inherently emotionally unhealthy. Therapists of this particular era had little to no training or understanding of trauma and its wide-ranging, long-lasting effects, so they mostly avoided the issue, providing neither resolution nor hope.

This began to change when countless Vietnam War veterans returned manifesting profound emotional, psychological, and behavioral problems (including addiction). And it wasn’t just the soldiers who identified this change; their friends and families also noticed a huge difference. Psychologists finally took a serious look at the ways in which past traumas can impact a person’s current thinking and behavior—an idea that immediately resonated with both mental health professionals and the people who’d experienced severe trauma.

Can the symptoms we see with combat veterans also manifest in the general population in response to other forms of trauma? The answer was an undeniable yes.Research has made it clear that trauma as seen in war veterans are no different, in terms of later-life manifestations, than trauma experienced by victims of sexual abuse, domestic violence, racial intolerance, homophobia, gender discrimination, violent crime, misogyny, bullying, neglect, chronic family dysfunction (including addiction and mental illness), and intimate betrayal. In 1980, the American Psychiatric Association added its first trauma-focused diagnosis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The new diagnosis identified three primary symptoms:

Re-experiencing trauma—in flashbacks, nightmares, and even in response to loud noises and stressful situations
Numbed response, including depression and abuse of addictive substances and behaviors, as a way of coping with the pain of re-experiencing
Hypervigilance, including anxiety, psychological arousal, jumpiness, overreactions, etc.

One study looking at the long-term effects of unresolved early-life trauma found that survivors are:

1.8 times as likely to smoke cigarettes.
1.9 times as likely to become obese.
2.4 times as likely to experience ongoing anxiety.
3.6 times as likely to be depressed.
3.6 times as likely to qualify as promiscuous.
7.2 times as likely to become alcoholic.
11.1 times as likely to become an intravenous drug use

In time, we began to look at family-wide issues wrought by global traumas, such as how addiction affects everyone close to the addict. About the impact of trauma, secrets about trauma, and shame. This is the basic idea of trauma. It happens to us and it happens to those we love. And if we don’t find a way to recognize it, call it out, and find better ways to cope with it, it will color our thinking and behavior indefinitely. Also prior to this, addiction was considered by most to be a moral failing, a lack of self-will, or a deep psychological flaw (a personality disorder), rather than an emotional illness. Part and parcel with implementation of the disease model was recognition that addicts are nearly always survivors of severe or chronic trauma. It is clear from both research and clinical observation that addictions are not about feeling good; they’re about feeling less. Addicts turn to addictive substances and behaviors not because they want to have a good time, but to self-medicate and self-regulate their emotions. Their primary goal is to escape from life and not feel stress, anxiety, depression, fear, and other forms of discomfort. And they continue to do so even as their clearly (to an external observer) out-of-control behavior creates significant problems: relationship issues, trouble at work or in school, declining physical and/or emotional health, financial turmoil, legal concerns, mood disorders, and more. Addicts cope with stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, attachment deficits, and unresolved trauma by getting high (via a substance or behavior) instead of turning to other people who might emotionally support them. As they do this repeatedly, this choice becomes a pattern, and then an addiction.

Addicts are almost universally traumatized as children, which affects their ability to attach in healthy ways as adolescents and adults. Thus, they learn to use fantasy and dissociation via substances and behaviors for emotional regulation, rather than relying on intimate family, friends, and community for emotional support as a healthier person might. In time, they become compulsive and obsessed with this substance or behavior, using it as their primary emotional and psychological coping mechanism. Today, both the disease model and the role of trauma, especially unresolved early-life trauma,are well-accepted. The “Minnesota Model” of viewing and treating alcoholism as a disease rather than a moral failing took root. Addiction programs (heavily based on the experience of sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous) began to be developed. These treatment programs chose to view addiction as a primary disorder (rather than a symptom of some other psychological disorder) best treated with long-term abstinence and sobriety-focused social supports.

DEAR LOVER, RELATIVE, FRIEND OF A SEXUAL COMPULSIVE By Bradley W.

Right about the time of my 30th birthday, I met this gorgeous guy — a mutual friend introduced
us. I manipulated our next meeting and finally got him over for lunch where I learned he had had
“some gay experience.” That was the green light I was looking for. I chose to ignore the subtle
reticence I perceived in him. That reticence turned out to be his particular brand of sexual compulsion
which, without going into detail, had kept him from mature, intimate relationships. I didn’t know
then that the way I kept myself from mature, intimate relationships was to systematically fall in
love with people who had another priority: sexual, alcohol or drug addiction. This way I could be
guaranteed the victim role (a role I’ve been comfortable with since childhood) and blame any lack of
intimacy, sexual satisfaction or joy on him. Very clever: I didn’t take any responsibility for my happi-
ness; it was all up to him. This recipe for trouble is my particular brand of sexual compulsion: I’m a
co-sexual compulsive — someone whose life became unmanageable due to someone else’s sexual com-
pulsion.

This gorgeous guy chose to tell me about his sexual addiction, and the suffering it caused him, at the
beginning of our relationship. My first thought upon hearing his dramatic and painful story was to
make up to him his suffering and pain with my love and compassion. I wanted to save him. Later I discovered that this desire is the top part of the co-addict/addict ratio: GRANDIOSITY over low self-esteem. Needless to say, I didn’t save him. Fortunately for him, he (and perhaps God) saved himself.
Paradoxically, it was this relation-ship that catalyzed MY being saved from a lifetime of unhappiness and
perhaps even suicide.

In the beginning I kicked and screamed. I made ultimatums; I forced him to stop certain relation-
ships; I berated him. I rewarded him with love and I punished him by withholding it. All in all, I con-
tributed to both our low self-esteem and I became a controlling maniac giving up my friendships,
my creative work, my life. I was even becoming physically ill as a result of this obsession with some-
one else’s life. I became a supreme spy. I liked to say that I could tell what he was up to by reading the
molecules upon entering a room that he was in or had been in. To be right became my only objective.

He found SCA, but I didn’t need a program. I was in therapy and that was enough. Yet I was still in extreme pain, slipping further and further from reality.Everything was contingent on his
each and every sign of affection. Sex, and how well he performed it, was the most important sign of his
love for me. I became a different kind of a sex addict, constantly manipulating sex with him. A
friend urged me for six months to try Al-Anon, a 12-Step program for relatives and friends of alcoholics,
for lack of some other place to go. Finally I got there on my hands and knees. Even though it was hard at
first with all the emphasis on alcohol, I saw quickly that the core issues were the same and felt at
home with these people who were getting better. Eventually I met others in the rooms whose lovers were sexual compulsives. Bob R. was one of them. It was his idea to start a meeting based on Al-Anon for relatives and friends of sexual compulsives. I qualified at the first SCA-Anon meeting on November 24,1987. It still meets on Tuesdays at 6:30 PM at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center on 13th Street in Manhattan.

So this is a success story. It’s been a painful and joyous road to recovery. I can’t count the times
I’ve laughed and cried, or the number of friends I’ve made. Today, this man and I are on a Spiritual
path of recovery, even though for us our lover relationship has ended. But I am very grateful to
this partner of four years and I love him very much. Most SCA-Anon members remain in their relation-
ships and are learning that true intimacy is possible one day at a time. SCA-Anon and Al-Anon give us
tools to feel our original feelings underneath the anger and rage, and tools of communication with the
ones we love.

Anyone interested in starting an SCA-Anon meeting can structure it from a combination of literature from Al-Anon and the co-dependency unit of Golden Valley Health Center in Golden Valley, MN.
We recommend that members of SCA-Anon address issues such as low self-esteem, control and shame.

The Problem of Porn Addiction

To take the test, simply answer yes or no to each of the following questions.

Do you ever feel overly distracted by, preoccupied with, or obsessed with pornography?
When you start to use pornography, do you sometimes have trouble stopping, consistently looking at it for longer periods than intended?
Do you ever use porn as a way to avoid stress, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, or other forms of emotional discomfort?
After you use porn, do you sometimes regret it or feel depressed?
Have you ever promised yourself or another person that you would stop using porn, only to break that promise later?
Do you ever look forward to events with family/friends ending so you can look at porn?
Have you ever kept secrets about or lied about your porn use?
Have you ever experienced negative consequences related to your porn use, such as relationship trouble, social/emotional isolation, issues at work/school, etc.?
Does your porn use potentially offend others, violate community standards, or place you in danger of arrest?
Do you feel restless, irritable, or discontent when you are unable to use porn?

A ‘yes’ response to three or more of the ten questions listed above indicates that porn addiction may be an issue.

For a long time people with porn-related issues were thought to have a history of early-life trauma. Recently, however there is a new and rapidly growing subcategory of people struggling with pornography. These individuals meet the basic criteria used to identify addiction but lack the underlying early-life trauma that typically drives addictive behavior. Rather than qualifying as traditional trauma-driven porn addicts, it appears these non-trauma-driven individuals have developed a “conditioned” addiction to pornography.

Typically, conditioned porn addicts start viewing porn at a young age, often before puberty hits. And then they fail to move beyond this easily accessed sexual outlet. For these individuals, porn serves as both sex education and sexual fulfillment. The unfortunate result of this is that the user’s emotional and psychological development in terms of sexuality and relationships can be stunted – beginning and ending with what they learn from porn. As such, their ability to form and maintain meaningful real-world romantic and sexual attachments may not develop or may not fully develop in the usual ways.

Initial treatment for conditioned porn addicts mirrors treatment for traditional addicts. In other words, early work is focused on stopping addictive behavior, breaking through denial, managing the crisis or crises that precipitated treatment, and developing tactics to combat triggers and relapse. At that point, because conditioned porn addiction is not driven by trauma, the treatment approach diverges. Rather than working to resolve early-life trauma, treatment transitions toward social development – learning how to develop and maintain real-world romantic and sexual connections. Admittedly, not all conditioned porn addicts are entirely bereft when it comes to real-world relationships. In fact, some are quite adept socially. But the majority need to be walked through the adolescent and early adult stages of social development to some degree, and that, rather than trauma resolution, is the second-level treatment focus for this population.

In SCA we not only learn how to stop the addictive behaviors but also how to grow spiritually to live a more fulfilling life.

“Porn-I can stop whenever I want”

Did your use of porn start with the belief: “It’s no big deal, everyone does it. I can stop whenever I want.” But over time you noticed the patterns deepening and attempts to reduce usage fall by the wayside. Guilt and shame may prevent you from even addressing the issue.

Porn usage is usually done in private and is available around the clock. You my start to find yourself planning your day around it. Staying up later than you want to. Having one slip after another. None of this means you are weak. It means you are trying to manage this burden on your own. At SCA you can find that you are not alone and it’s about not having to navigate everything by yourself. It’s a place where you can take your time and understand what is driving the behavior, but more important it’s a place where you can start building healthier patterns.

ISO’s 2025 Annual Conference in St. Louis

Update from Sharon S., ISO Chair:

In April we convened ISO’s Annual Conference in St. Louis — in person for the first time since 2019! We also welcomed folks from around the world via Zoom. A huge thanks to the planning committee for hosting a great meeting!

ISO’s Annual Conference is our fellowship’s business meeting, where we share how and what SCA meetings and intergroups are doing across the world. We talk about how best to reach newcomers and support members. We note our progress and challenge ourselves to do more.

It was fantastic to be together in person this year! I’ve been on many of Zoom calls with SCA Executive Committee members and fellows I feel quite connected to that I have never actually been in the same room with. Meeting in person strengthened our relationships and deepened trust.

Here are some meeting highlights from our three-day conference:

New Characteristic about sexual anorexia

One of the most significant decisions made at this year’s ISO was to add a new Characteristic about sexual anorexia/avoidance to The Characteristics Most of Us Seem to Have in Common. You can read the history of this decision in the minutes. Here is the new characteristic:

We were sexually anorexic: in despair about our lack of physical and emotional intimacy with ourselves and others, yet unaware of how much we feared and avoided it.

SCA has a YouTube Channel

Gary S. and his Outreach team built a SCA YouTube Channel in 2024! Check it out to see the great content they’re creating and be sure to subscribe! (https://www.youtube.com/@SCA-Recovery)

Audio Recovery Book in development

Gordon B., our Fiduciary Chair, is working to create an audio version of SCA’s Recovery Book that will be available for purchase on Amazon. We’ll keep you posted.

Executive Board Elections

Gary S. was reelected for a two-year term as Outreach Chair

Randy S. was elected as Director at Large, stepping in for Charles D. who resigned the position earlier this year. Thank you, Charles, for your service!

Tami V. was reelected for another one-year term as Outside Director

I was elected for a two-year term as ISO Chair

Emphasis on our 7th Tradition

We budgeted $4,000 for the 2025 ISO Annual Conference, and I’m happy to report that we came in under budget at $3,053!

ISO’s modest budget supports meetings, our website, literature creation and translation, and outreach to newcomers. As we built our 2026 budget, we reflected on the importance of our 7th tradition — that SCA is self-supporting through the contributions of its members. Your gifts help meetings buy literature, rent meeting space, and sponsor workshops. ISO receives a portion of the contributions you make to your meetings and intergroups. Please consider chipping in when you attend a meeting — your donations are vital in helping us reach the still-suffering addict.

If you’d like to read the Minutes from the Conference, contact the SCAnner editor. A Special thanks to Recording Secretary Maranda T. for her efforts!

Officially approved a new characteristic on Sexual Anorexia/Avoidance

Last week a new characteristic was approved at the 2025 International Service Organization (ISO) conference. Here is the language of the newly approved characteristic:

We were sexually anorexic: in despair about our lack of physical and emotional intimacy with ourselves and others, yet unaware of how much we feared and avoided it.

The ISO of SCA also unanimously approved a motion to list this new characteristic as #11 in our list of The Characteristics Most of Us Seem to Have in Common. This new characteristic #11 is now incorporated into all the www.sca-recovery.org characteristic readings, including “Newcomers,” “Program and Tools,” and the SCA Literature store, where individual copies of the Four-Fold and For the Newcomer can be downloaded and printed for free. These include the revised Characteristics. As of this morning, both the SCA NY and the SCA LA websites have also included the revised Characteristics.

Saturday Workshops on the 14 Characteristics

The ISO Recovery Book sub-committee wants your input!

SCA’s International Service Organization (ISO) will hold a series of Saturday afternoon workshops to read and discuss the recently submitted draft commentaries on The 14 Characteristics Most of Us Seem to have in Common.

These drafts have not yet been considered by ISO to become Conference-approved SCA literature. All members of the fellowship are welcome to attend any or all of these sessions. These workshops will be held every Saturday from October 31st through December 12^th. The intent is to read the commentaries on two (2) characteristics at each session, followed by open sharing and a short, simple survey to obtain feedback. Each session will also include a reading of the Prologue and Epilogue, the chapters that introduce and summarize the commentaries.

These workshops will take place on Saturday afternoons, beginning October 31st at 3:00 pm USA Eastern Time in ISO Zoom room #2. Contact Gary S. at sca.iso.inreach@gmail.com for the Zoom room number and password, then use the link below:

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/7877162543?pwd=bXo3WE1tUVFaSmhPTTJPZWJHUDVMUT09

We look forward to your participation and hearing your comments on the proposed literature.