August 18th Meditation: Abstinence and Anorexia

Tuesday, August 18th

August 18thAbstinence and Anorexia

In early recovery, I stopped having harmful sex. But I feel shut down. 

We join SCA hoping to find relief from sexual compulsion. We might have initially believed that controlling our actions or stopping them altogether would “cure” our problems. Such attempts often failed and could drive us into a deeper spiral of sexually compulsive behavior.

In early recovery, we hear about the tool of abstinence. We might add partial or total abstinence to our Sexual Recovery Plan for a time. This might provide some initial relief while we sort out our issues. However, this temporary solution can sometimes develop into a longer-term lifestyle that increasingly dissatisfies us.

Some of us may be entirely sex-avoidant, even before entering recovery. It is not uncommon for sexual anorexics to feel deep shame about not having sex when compared to more sexually active people in and out of fellowship. It is not that we recoil from sex itself. We may want to be fully sexual with someone, but creating an emotional connection seems impossible.

As we use the Tools and work the Steps, we learn to overcome fears and express honest emotions. Our recovery work can help us become open to change and to develop intimacy with others.

We can stop obsessing about sex and romance or avoiding them compulsively.

August 17th Meditation: Driven by Compulsion

Monday, August 17th

August 17thDriven by Compulsion

No matter how hard I worked or how much sex I had, it was not enough. I felt like a failure.

Some of us found that our compulsive behavior affected daily living. The validation we sought through sex may have also become the desire for recognition, approval, and praise in non-sexual areas.

Emotional scars from our upbringing may have compounded feelings of unworthiness. For some, compulsive sex could provide a short relief from our low self-esteem by allowing us to feel powerful.

Searching for that relief could easily consume our lives. We might have looked for ways to outwit and outperform others. Our need to be “as good as” became the need to be “better than.” But no matter how often we excelled, we secretly feared it was not good enough — that we had failed again.

In recovery, we take an honest look at ourselves. Shame and low self-esteem are burdens that can hide some of the defects we most need to address.

As we learn to let go of these burdens, we hope to discover that the same intensity and passion with which we once pursued our compulsion will encourage us in sobriety to create richer, more rewarding lives.

I love myself; I am worthy exactly as I am.

Help with SCA YouTube Videos

Be an ISO Outreach volunteer and help make SCA YouTube videos for our channel. Our next project is to make short (2-3 minute) videos on your shares about Chapter 2: The Twenty Questions (from our Big Book). I would like your input (either audio or text) on any of the following questions. You can send it to me either on here scannereditor@sca-recovery.org or at outreach@sca-recovery.org. Your voice and personal information will not be used and your content may be edited . Please consider helping us out by sharing your experiences, hopes and program tools that may have helped you with the question: Chapter 2: Twenty Questions
1. Do you frequently experience remorse, depression, or guilt about your sexual activity?
2. Do you feel your sexual drive and activity are getting out of control? Have you repeatedly tried to stop or reduce certain sexual behaviors but inevitably found that you could not?
3. Are you unable to resist sexual advances or turn down sexual propositions when offered?
4. Do you use sex to escape from uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, guilt, etc., which seem to disappear when the sexual obsession starts?
5. Do you spend excessive time obsessing about sex or engaged in sexual activity?
6. Have you neglected your family, friends, spouse, or relationship because of the time you spend on sexual activity?
7. Do your sexual pursuits interfere with your work or professional development?
8. Is your sexual life secretive, a source of shame, and not in keeping with your values? Do you lie to others to cover up your sexual activity?
9. Are you afraid of sex? Do you avoid romantic and sexual relationships with others and restrict your sexual activity to fantasy, masturbation, and solitary or anonymous online activity?
10. Are you increasingly unable to perform sexually without other stimuli such as pornography, videos, “poppers,” drugs/alcohol, “toys,” etc.?
11. Do you have to increasingly resort to abusive, humiliating, or painful sexual fantasies or behaviors to get sexually aroused?
12. Has your sexual activity prevented you from developing a close, loving relationship with a partner? Or have you developed a pattern of intense romantic or sexual relationships that never seem to last once the excitement wears off?
13. Do you only have anonymous sex or one-night stands? Do you usually want to get away from your sex partner after the encounter?
14. Do you have sex with people with whom you normally would not associate?
15. Do you frequent apps, websites, clubs, bars, adult bookstores, restrooms, parks, and other public places searching for sex partners?
16. Have you ever been arrested or placed yourself in legal jeopardy for your sexual activity?
17. Have you ever risked your physical health with exposure to sexually transmitted diseases by engaging in “unsafe” sexual activity?
18. Has the money you spent on pornography, videos, web-camming, apps, phone sex, or hustlers/prostitutes strained your financial resources?
19. Have people you trust expressed concern about your sexual activity?
20. Does life seem meaningless and hopeless without a romantic or sexual relationship?

Trauma and Addiction

The following are excerpts from an article by Robert W.

For a very long time in the world of psychology, when clients manifested symptoms of trauma and sought help to understand their feelings and behaviors, they were “diagnosed” as weak-willed and inherently emotionally unhealthy. Therapists of this particular era had little to no training or understanding of trauma and its wide-ranging, long-lasting effects, so they mostly avoided the issue, providing neither resolution nor hope.

This began to change when countless Vietnam War veterans returned manifesting profound emotional, psychological, and behavioral problems (including addiction). And it wasn’t just the soldiers who identified this change; their friends and families also noticed a huge difference.  Psychologists finally took a serious look at the ways in which past traumas can impact a person’s current thinking and behavior—an idea that immediately resonated with both mental health professionals and the people who’d experienced severe trauma.

Can the symptoms we see with combat veterans also manifest in the general population in response to other forms of trauma? The answer was an undeniable yes.Research has made it clear that trauma as seen in war veterans are no different, in terms of later-life manifestations, than trauma experienced by victims of sexual abuse, domestic violence, racial intolerance, homophobia, gender discrimination, violent crime, misogyny, bullying, neglect, chronic family dysfunction (including addiction and mental illness), and intimate betrayal. In 1980, the American Psychiatric Association added its first trauma-focused diagnosis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The new diagnosis identified three primary symptoms:

  1. Re-experiencing trauma—in flashbacks, nightmares, and even in response to loud noises and stressful situations
  2. Numbed response, including depression and abuse of addictive substances and behaviors, as a way of coping with the pain of re-experiencing
  3. Hypervigilance, including anxiety, psychological arousal, jumpiness, overreactions, etc.

One study looking at the long-term effects of unresolved early-life trauma found that survivors are:

  • 1.8 times as likely to smoke cigarettes.
  • 1.9 times as likely to become obese.
  • 2.4 times as likely to experience ongoing anxiety.
  • 3.6 times as likely to be depressed.
  • 3.6 times as likely to qualify as promiscuous.
  • 7.2 times as likely to become alcoholic.
  • 11.1 times as likely to become an intravenous drug use

In time, we began to look at family-wide issues wrought by global traumas, such as how addiction affects everyone close to the addict. About the impact of trauma, secrets about trauma, and shame. This is the basic idea of trauma. It happens to us and it happens to those we love. And if we don’t find a way to recognize it, call it out, and find better ways to cope with it, it will color our thinking and behavior indefinitely. Also prior to this, addiction was considered by most to be a moral failing, a lack of self-will, or a deep psychological flaw (a personality disorder), rather than an emotional illness. Part and parcel with implementation of the disease model was recognition that addicts are nearly always survivors of severe or chronic trauma. It is clear from both research and clinical observation that addictions are not about feeling good; they’re about feeling less. Addicts turn to addictive substances and behaviors not because they want to have a good time, but to self-medicate and self-regulate their emotions. Their primary goal is to escape from life and not feel stress, anxiety, depression, fear, and other forms of discomfort. And they continue to do so even as their clearly (to an external observer) out-of-control behavior creates significant problems: relationship issues, trouble at work or in school, declining physical and/or emotional health, financial turmoil, legal concerns, mood disorders, and more. Addicts cope with stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, attachment deficits, and unresolved trauma by getting high (via a substance or behavior) instead of turning to other people who might emotionally support them. As they do this repeatedly, this choice becomes a pattern, and then an addiction.

Addicts are almost universally traumatized as children, which affects their ability to attach in healthy ways as adolescents and adults. Thus, they learn to use fantasy and dissociation via substances and behaviors for emotional regulation, rather than relying on intimate family, friends, and community for emotional support as a healthier person might. In time, they become compulsive and obsessed with this substance or behavior, using it as their primary emotional and psychological coping mechanism. Today, both the disease model and the role of trauma, especially unresolved early-life trauma,are well-accepted.  The “Minnesota Model” of viewing and treating alcoholism as a disease rather than a moral failing took root. Addiction programs (heavily based on the experience of sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous) began to be developed. These treatment programs chose to view addiction as a primary disorder (rather than a symptom of some other psychological disorder) best treated with long-term abstinence and sobriety-focused social supports.