My Story: Vincent P.

I begin from my earliest memories at age four when I was watching home
movies at my Aunt Grace and Uncle Joe’s house. I recall that time as being
a happy period in my life before my brother began to play those sibling
games that are common with most of us. The only exception here is that
those games persisted until I fought him off of me in the swimming pool of
my parents’ house at age fifteen or so.

To this day, my brother and I have an uneasy, but amiable relationship. We
are not close; at least I admit to not feeling close to him. And yet, I
have always wanted to have a close relationship with my brother, and feel
that the lack of that close relationship has been the core of my inability
to be intimate with men. My mother is my model for my inability to be
intimate with women. The dominant emotion that surfaces for me with
intimacy is FEAR! Fear of being rejected; fear of being judged negatively,
and fear of not being loved on an equal measure as to how I am loving the
other person. Basically, I’m afraid of being hurt, and that brings up
images of my early childhood.

That fear has often turned into isolation, anger and sexual “acting-out” as
a means of avoiding the fear and the pain of being emotionally bruised. I
have built a wall of armor around myself that tells the world, “Keep out;
trespass at your own risk!” And yet, I revel at my positive relationships
with my family, friends, co-workers, colleagues and clients today. I know
that I am a loving, gentle, passionate, sexual, and nurturing man who wants
only to be accepted for who I am and to give of myself easily to others on
my own terms. I want to give when I want to, and I want to receive from
others when I am ready to receive those gifts. Life is a give and take
situation; we need one another to make it through the bad times as well as
the good times. But – and this is a big BUT – I am afraid most when my life
begins to flow in the right direction. I am afraid that a big roadblock, or
monster, or impenetrable force is waiting around the corner to slam me down
to the floor! The basic theme here is that: “I don’t deserve good things
happening to me in my life.”

I do know that I can get men! I have built up my body to fit the image! I
walk into a bar or club with the attitude that I will be sexually gratified,
at least for the moment! And yet, I don’t even give my body the credit that
it deserves from all those hours at the gym and depriving myself of treats
that add too many calories and make me fat! I know that I still have that
image of the fat boy from years ago and have difficulty letting him go!
Perhaps I don’t have to let him go. Maybe I’ll let him stay with me along
with the other cast of characters that I have in my repertoire.

It is my choice as to how much power I give to those characters that do not
serve me, instead of giving my power to myself as Vincent! This is an
on-going struggle, but thanks to the SCA Program and AL-ANON Program, I feel
stronger and more confident in just being who I am today, and that I am
enough just for being who I am! I am learning to trust in myself and to
love myself more each day, and as a result, I know my life is working for
the better and my dreams are being realized. Thank you.

Help with SCA YouTube Videos

Be an ISO Outreach volunteer and help make SCA YouTube videos for our channel. Our next project is to make short (2-3 minute) videos on your shares about Chapter 2: The Twenty Questions (from our Big Book). I would like your input (either audio or text) on any of the following questions. You can send it to me either on here scannereditor@sca-recovery.org or at outreach@sca-recovery.org. Your voice and personal information will not be used and your content may be edited . Please consider helping us out by sharing your experiences, hopes and program tools that may have helped you with the question: Chapter 2: Twenty Questions
1. Do you frequently experience remorse, depression, or guilt about your sexual activity?
2. Do you feel your sexual drive and activity are getting out of control? Have you repeatedly tried to stop or reduce certain sexual behaviors but inevitably found that you could not?
3. Are you unable to resist sexual advances or turn down sexual propositions when offered?
4. Do you use sex to escape from uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, guilt, etc., which seem to disappear when the sexual obsession starts?
5. Do you spend excessive time obsessing about sex or engaged in sexual activity?
6. Have you neglected your family, friends, spouse, or relationship because of the time you spend on sexual activity?
7. Do your sexual pursuits interfere with your work or professional development?
8. Is your sexual life secretive, a source of shame, and not in keeping with your values? Do you lie to others to cover up your sexual activity?
9. Are you afraid of sex? Do you avoid romantic and sexual relationships with others and restrict your sexual activity to fantasy, masturbation, and solitary or anonymous online activity?
10. Are you increasingly unable to perform sexually without other stimuli such as pornography, videos, “poppers,” drugs/alcohol, “toys,” etc.?
11. Do you have to increasingly resort to abusive, humiliating, or painful sexual fantasies or behaviors to get sexually aroused?
12. Has your sexual activity prevented you from developing a close, loving relationship with a partner? Or have you developed a pattern of intense romantic or sexual relationships that never seem to last once the excitement wears off?
13. Do you only have anonymous sex or one-night stands? Do you usually want to get away from your sex partner after the encounter?
14. Do you have sex with people with whom you normally would not associate?
15. Do you frequent apps, websites, clubs, bars, adult bookstores, restrooms, parks, and other public places searching for sex partners?
16. Have you ever been arrested or placed yourself in legal jeopardy for your sexual activity?
17. Have you ever risked your physical health with exposure to sexually transmitted diseases by engaging in “unsafe” sexual activity?
18. Has the money you spent on pornography, videos, web-camming, apps, phone sex, or hustlers/prostitutes strained your financial resources?
19. Have people you trust expressed concern about your sexual activity?
20. Does life seem meaningless and hopeless without a romantic or sexual relationship?

Trauma and Addiction

The following are excerpts from an article by Robert W.

For a very long time in the world of psychology, when clients manifested symptoms of trauma and sought help to understand their feelings and behaviors, they were “diagnosed” as weak-willed and inherently emotionally unhealthy. Therapists of this particular era had little to no training or understanding of trauma and its wide-ranging, long-lasting effects, so they mostly avoided the issue, providing neither resolution nor hope.

This began to change when countless Vietnam War veterans returned manifesting profound emotional, psychological, and behavioral problems (including addiction). And it wasn’t just the soldiers who identified this change; their friends and families also noticed a huge difference.  Psychologists finally took a serious look at the ways in which past traumas can impact a person’s current thinking and behavior—an idea that immediately resonated with both mental health professionals and the people who’d experienced severe trauma.

Can the symptoms we see with combat veterans also manifest in the general population in response to other forms of trauma? The answer was an undeniable yes.Research has made it clear that trauma as seen in war veterans are no different, in terms of later-life manifestations, than trauma experienced by victims of sexual abuse, domestic violence, racial intolerance, homophobia, gender discrimination, violent crime, misogyny, bullying, neglect, chronic family dysfunction (including addiction and mental illness), and intimate betrayal. In 1980, the American Psychiatric Association added its first trauma-focused diagnosis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The new diagnosis identified three primary symptoms:

  1. Re-experiencing trauma—in flashbacks, nightmares, and even in response to loud noises and stressful situations
  2. Numbed response, including depression and abuse of addictive substances and behaviors, as a way of coping with the pain of re-experiencing
  3. Hypervigilance, including anxiety, psychological arousal, jumpiness, overreactions, etc.

One study looking at the long-term effects of unresolved early-life trauma found that survivors are:

  • 1.8 times as likely to smoke cigarettes.
  • 1.9 times as likely to become obese.
  • 2.4 times as likely to experience ongoing anxiety.
  • 3.6 times as likely to be depressed.
  • 3.6 times as likely to qualify as promiscuous.
  • 7.2 times as likely to become alcoholic.
  • 11.1 times as likely to become an intravenous drug use

In time, we began to look at family-wide issues wrought by global traumas, such as how addiction affects everyone close to the addict. About the impact of trauma, secrets about trauma, and shame. This is the basic idea of trauma. It happens to us and it happens to those we love. And if we don’t find a way to recognize it, call it out, and find better ways to cope with it, it will color our thinking and behavior indefinitely. Also prior to this, addiction was considered by most to be a moral failing, a lack of self-will, or a deep psychological flaw (a personality disorder), rather than an emotional illness. Part and parcel with implementation of the disease model was recognition that addicts are nearly always survivors of severe or chronic trauma. It is clear from both research and clinical observation that addictions are not about feeling good; they’re about feeling less. Addicts turn to addictive substances and behaviors not because they want to have a good time, but to self-medicate and self-regulate their emotions. Their primary goal is to escape from life and not feel stress, anxiety, depression, fear, and other forms of discomfort. And they continue to do so even as their clearly (to an external observer) out-of-control behavior creates significant problems: relationship issues, trouble at work or in school, declining physical and/or emotional health, financial turmoil, legal concerns, mood disorders, and more. Addicts cope with stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, attachment deficits, and unresolved trauma by getting high (via a substance or behavior) instead of turning to other people who might emotionally support them. As they do this repeatedly, this choice becomes a pattern, and then an addiction.

Addicts are almost universally traumatized as children, which affects their ability to attach in healthy ways as adolescents and adults. Thus, they learn to use fantasy and dissociation via substances and behaviors for emotional regulation, rather than relying on intimate family, friends, and community for emotional support as a healthier person might. In time, they become compulsive and obsessed with this substance or behavior, using it as their primary emotional and psychological coping mechanism. Today, both the disease model and the role of trauma, especially unresolved early-life trauma,are well-accepted.  The “Minnesota Model” of viewing and treating alcoholism as a disease rather than a moral failing took root. Addiction programs (heavily based on the experience of sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous) began to be developed. These treatment programs chose to view addiction as a primary disorder (rather than a symptom of some other psychological disorder) best treated with long-term abstinence and sobriety-focused social supports.