Right about the time of my 30th birthday, I met this gorgeous guy — a mutual friend introduced
us. I manipulated our next meeting and finally got him over for lunch where I learned he had had
“some gay experience.” That was the green light I was looking for. I chose to ignore the subtle
reticence I perceived in him. That reticence turned out to be his particular brand of sexual compulsion
which, without going into detail, had kept him from mature, intimate relationships. I didn’t know
then that the way I kept myself from mature, intimate relationships was to systematically fall in
love with people who had another priority: sexual, alcohol or drug addiction. This way I could be
guaranteed the victim role (a role I’ve been comfortable with since childhood) and blame any lack of
intimacy, sexual satisfaction or joy on him. Very clever: I didn’t take any responsibility for my happi-
ness; it was all up to him. This recipe for trouble is my particular brand of sexual compulsion: I’m a
co-sexual compulsive — someone whose life became unmanageable due to someone else’s sexual com-
pulsion.
This gorgeous guy chose to tell me about his sexual addiction, and the suffering it caused him, at the
beginning of our relationship. My first thought upon hearing his dramatic and painful story was to
make up to him his suffering and pain with my love and compassion. I wanted to save him. Later I discovered that this desire is the top part of the co-addict/addict ratio: GRANDIOSITY over low self-esteem. Needless to say, I didn’t save him. Fortunately for him, he (and perhaps God) saved himself.
Paradoxically, it was this relation-ship that catalyzed MY being saved from a lifetime of unhappiness and
perhaps even suicide.
In the beginning I kicked and screamed. I made ultimatums; I forced him to stop certain relation-
ships; I berated him. I rewarded him with love and I punished him by withholding it. All in all, I con-
tributed to both our low self-esteem and I became a controlling maniac giving up my friendships,
my creative work, my life. I was even becoming physically ill as a result of this obsession with some-
one else’s life. I became a supreme spy. I liked to say that I could tell what he was up to by reading the
molecules upon entering a room that he was in or had been in. To be right became my only objective.
He found SCA, but I didn’t need a program. I was in therapy and that was enough. Yet I was still in extreme pain, slipping further and further from reality.Everything was contingent on his
each and every sign of affection. Sex, and how well he performed it, was the most important sign of his
love for me. I became a different kind of a sex addict, constantly manipulating sex with him. A
friend urged me for six months to try Al-Anon, a 12-Step program for relatives and friends of alcoholics,
for lack of some other place to go. Finally I got there on my hands and knees. Even though it was hard at
first with all the emphasis on alcohol, I saw quickly that the core issues were the same and felt at
home with these people who were getting better. Eventually I met others in the rooms whose lovers were sexual compulsives. Bob R. was one of them. It was his idea to start a meeting based on Al-Anon for relatives and friends of sexual compulsives. I qualified at the first SCA-Anon meeting on November 24,1987. It still meets on Tuesdays at 6:30 PM at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center on 13th Street in Manhattan.
So this is a success story. It’s been a painful and joyous road to recovery. I can’t count the times
I’ve laughed and cried, or the number of friends I’ve made. Today, this man and I are on a Spiritual
path of recovery, even though for us our lover relationship has ended. But I am very grateful to
this partner of four years and I love him very much. Most SCA-Anon members remain in their relation-
ships and are learning that true intimacy is possible one day at a time. SCA-Anon and Al-Anon give us
tools to feel our original feelings underneath the anger and rage, and tools of communication with the
ones we love.
Anyone interested in starting an SCA-Anon meeting can structure it from a combination of literature from Al-Anon and the co-dependency unit of Golden Valley Health Center in Golden Valley, MN.
We recommend that members of SCA-Anon address issues such as low self-esteem, control and shame.