Monday, October 12th
I finally realized that I felt unloved during childhood.
Many of us associate shame with feelings of emptiness that can make us want to escape from ourselves. We may have experienced shame from childhood, perhaps from specific traumas or other feelings, including low self-esteem. We may have felt unworthy of being loved. These feelings added to our shame and magnified our fears.
Those fears made us afraid to admit the truth, especially to ourselves, and we hid from it to avoid the pain of those recollections. We often tried to bury our feelings by projecting a false image to the world, which only increased our separation from ourselves and others.
We lost the ability to imagine sex as healthy and affirming. Shame and sex were always linked in our minds. Yet if we look objectively at our compulsion, we find that what we desperately sought was not shame and degradation but an experience of wholeness, fulfillment, and joy — in fact, a spiritual experience.
In recovery, we may realize that we cannot change our childhood, but we can forgive those feelings of shame. Through self-compassion, we can stop trying to relive our past and learn to love ourselves instead.
My Higher Power wants me to love myself so that I can love others.