Thursday, April 25th

I am healing from the shame of feeling defective and that it was somehow my fault.

Most of us brought plenty of baggage into recovery. Many of our issues are related to feelings of shame, which often seemed ingrained from our childhood. Shame is how we perceive ourselves: as broken and innately unacceptable. Shame can increase our sense of deprivation and may fuel our urge for compulsive sex.

Our shame sometimes becomes blame, and we often use blame as a defense mechanism to justify or punish our actions. We might be very self-judgmental, to the point of hitting ourselves in exasperation at our stupidity or foolishness. Blaming others can give us a sense of release from responsibility. We can use another person’s actions as an excuse to act out our compulsion.

“I would rush my partner to the hospital to treat his alcohol poisoning, then use that as an excuse to act out.”

H.O.W.: Honest, Open, and Willing is a simple acronym that can help guide our way through recovery. At first, we are ashamed to share our feelings with other SCA members, but the shame gradually lifts once we recognize how their character defects may closely resemble our own. Then, instead of feeling shame or finding fault and blaming others, we begin to feel compassion for ourselves and others.

My character defects are wounds to be healed, not my inborn, essential nature. 

Wednesday. April 24th

I envied others who were in relationships, but I was afraid to get that close to anyone.

Many of us repeatedly sought a healthy relationship but lacked the emotional courage to be open about ourselves. We had issues of low self-esteem. We feared disclosing our sexual compulsion. We may have had minimal experience with being honest and present in a sexual encounter, so we were equally unprepared for being honest and present in a relationship. Yet, we hunted relentlessly for another person whose attention would fill our emptiness.

We often saw others who appeared to have what we thought we wanted. However, the openness and honesty they seemed to express filled us with fear about the consequences of exposing our true selves. If revealing ourselves to another person was required for intimacy, it seemed beyond our reach. Our need for control of any relationship conflicted with the equal exchange and vulnerability that intimacy requires.

Working the Steps and using the Tools help us make changes — first in our behaviors, then in our outlook. Gradually, we learn intimacy skills while remaining secure in our right to be ourselves, independent of others’ control.

The outcome of our recovery process is the rebirth of intimacy with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power.