Oct. 8th Meditation: Embracing hope through actions

Saturday, October 8th

My life seemed empty and hopeless. I tried to escape this feeling through obsession and fantasy.

Many of us used sexual compulsion to escape negative thoughts and feelings. Some of us engaged in obsessive thinking, romantic obsessions, or acted out fantasies with sex or through viewing pornography.

In working our recovery, we hear that there is hope. The first three Steps talk about surrender, honesty, willingness to change, and trust. We acknowledge our powerlessness, unmanageability, and insanity and begin to realize that recovery promotes healing. We talk about our lives in meetings, on the phone, or with another sexual compulsive. Compulsion thrives in secrecy; we take action to break that cycle.

Recovery is seldom a straight line: we may encounter setbacks. We may become discouraged, even disillusioned by some disappointment or event; perhaps develop new resentments against others, against SCA or 12-Step recovery. Acting out those resentments may lead to a slip; shame or self-pity may turn that slip into a binge.

If we fall off our plan, we climb back on. We speak to our sponsor, share honestly at meetings, and keep coming back. We don’t need to replay the slip or binge internally; we just take the actions we need to stay sober today.

When I feel broken, I use my recovery tools.

Oct. 7th Meditation: Overcommitments

Friday, October 7th

My recovery had become an expression of my ego and the need to control.

As sexual compulsives, many of us believed that perfectionism was a character asset rather than a character defect. After joining SCA, some of us revert to compulsive behavior—not to sexually act out but to “do the work.” That might mean creating a sexual recovery plan that will impress our sponsor, volunteering to keep time at every meeting, or always being the first to share.

Some of us carry our ambitions further: becoming an Intergroup rep, doing ISO service, joining, perhaps chairing committees. We can easily inflate our ego through multi-tasking and allowing our service to be generally known among the fellowship. We don’t necessarily strive to be “indispensable,” but we enable others to start accepting that premise as a fact.

Compulsively over-committing to service can have negative consequences. We might resent others’ demands while forgetting that we have placed ourselves in a position where people routinely call upon us to do what is needed. Some of us develop grudges against individuals, meetings, or committees– perhaps with SCA entirely.

Reviewing the Steps and Traditions may help us regain some perspective. We don’t have to feel responsible for everything.

SCA is a “we”—not a “me” program. Take it easy.

SCA Thoughts & Meditations

I could always tell when someone wasn’t respecting me.

Many of us tried to hide our activities from others in our compulsive state, seeking to avoid the humiliation of being exposed. Our need for secrecy and concealment invariably led to self-isolation, sometimes to the point where we hid from ourselves.

This denial also fed its way into resentments. Our sense of low self-esteem would hurt even more if we felt disrespected. We might carry this resentment through our interactions with other people. As our compulsion deepened, some of us acted out our resentments and sense of victimhood through anger, sometimes by lashing out at others. We might tie our anger to a growing sense of entitlement: we had been through so much that we deserved “special” consideration.

In recovery, we may find relief from re-living past wounds and traumas as we work the Steps and begin having compassion for ourselves and others. We learn to build new coping skills instead of falling back into the ways of our compulsion.

I’m no longer a victim; I’m working my recovery daily.