Tuesday, September 22nd

I keep telling myself I will work on my sobriety tomorrow. Then tomorrow arrives, and I think, maybe later, sometime.

In our active sexual compulsion, many of us were easily distracted from just about everything except the possibility of having more sex. Work or school projects, relationships, family, and friends could all be swept aside by our need to act out.

We may struggle in early recovery. Going to meetings and working our program can present new challenges that may seem dull, confusing, or frightening. Some of us may drift toward familiar tactics such as avoiding commitments, self-isolating, or postponing self-care. In doing so, we delay becoming honest with ourselves.

Without honesty, we remain in denial. Denial tells us that our lives are manageable and that our sexuality is under control. We want to find relief from our compulsive behaviors, but we feel uneasy about the time and energy we might have to spend working to achieve sobriety. Instead, we drift through periods of compulsion and withdrawal, holding onto our fears, shame, and resentments.

Healing can begin when we acknowledge our powerlessness and unmanageability. We share our stories in meetings, on the phone, and with others in the program. Compulsion thrives in secrecy, so we take action to break that cycle.

Recovery works if we work it.

Monday, September 21st

I felt uncomfortable at meetings: I felt that other members were avoiding me

Some of us may feel a sense of being excluded by others at meetings, from something we hear or how we perceive other people’s attitudes. We may feel humiliation, resentment, and shame if we think that others aren’t welcoming us.

This may come from our past experiences of exclusion, hostility, or other traumas. Before recovery, we might have typically repressed the emotions we felt from such incidents and tried to escape them by acting out our sexual compulsions.

When we enter SCA, we hear others tell their stories, sharing their truth with us. We may soon realize that our interactions with people can also focus on honesty and openness. We learn about the Steps and Tools and may begin to feel a sense of safety and trust. We respond with a willingness to say “yes” to our recovery and begin to experience compassion for ourselves and others. Our fears of isolation, exclusion, and humiliation start to fade.

Once we break down the initial barriers that separate us, we find that what we have in common enhances our recovery as sexual compulsives.

Instead of being shunned, I heard “Welcome” and “Keep coming back” from other members after sharing.

Sunday, September 20th

I have low self-esteem and very few boundaries. I crave connection but fear intimacy.

Many of us used compulsive sex to find short-term validation and connection. We may have engaged in sex with strangers to escape feelings of anxiety, fear, and low self-esteem. But we may also have felt a growing emptiness and isolation that blocked feelings of fulfillment and intimacy.

We may have masked negative feelings behind our compulsive behaviors, refusing to believe that others might accept us. “I don’t love myself, so how can anyone else possibly care about me?” We may have wanted to experience care and intimacy with another person, but we pushed people away, fearing we might reveal our desire for a real connection.

“To develop intimacy, I had to feel my emotions and find healthier ways of coping with them. At first, it was a huge undertaking, which felt scary.”

By using the Steps and Tools of Recovery, we open ourselves to the opportunity for spiritual change. When we practice honesty and openness, we can experience freedom from the fears that hold us back from healthy interactions with others. We become able to incorporate healthy sex and intimacy into our lives.

We will lose our fear of other people and build healthy relationships.