Wednesday, October 28th
I carried my lack of boundaries into the rooms of SCA.
Many sexual compulsives have struggled with co-dependency. We tried to compensate for our feelings of shame and low self-esteem by focusing on others and their issues. Our efforts often fell short of the other person’s expectations, which added to our sense of shame.
In working our recovery, we may help other members but might encounter boundary issues. For instance, chairing a meeting or sponsoring someone is an act of service. Helping a member pay for their meal at fellowship may be an act of personal kindness. Offering to pay someone’s rent, however, may stretch the notion of kindness.
To ensure we are staying within our boundaries and not violating the boundaries of others, we may reflect on our reasons. What do we expect from our actions? Are we seeking another form of validation and connection, with gratefulness or obligation as a starting point?
Whatever our motives, we may find that some will not respond to acts of kindness in the way we anticipate. They might cite hardships and ask for more. Others might suddenly avoid us and become unresponsive to our attention. Such reactions can humiliate us and cause resentment.
We can focus on self-care and learn to establish boundaries with others, accepting that we cannot “fix” people.
By loving ourselves, we can love others honestly, with no strings.