Friday, August 28th
August 28th – Dating and Expectations
I want connection, but I fear intimacy.
As sexual compulsives, many of us entered recovery carrying the burdens of past wreckage. Our compulsive behaviors may have led to damaged or failed relationships, compounded by feelings of shame and low self-esteem.
Fears of rejection or abandonment may trigger us to seek out other avenues of compulsive sex. These fears and anxieties might make us shy away from intimacy with others: we fear we will not live up to their expectations, nor they to ours.
The possibility of dating can be scary. We may have realized that perfectionism is among our character defects. Meeting and trying to know someone new might feel like a job interview or a cross-examination.
Change and acceptance are qualities of the spiritual transformation that many of us find in recovery. Our willingness to do the work while letting go of the results can be applied to dating and other aspects of living. A “bad” date doesn’t need to be a total loss: we can gain insight into what we do not like and move on. A relationship isn’t a goal of recovery. The more we can accept and be intimate with ourselves, the more likely we will create healthy relationships with others.
My dating experiences have become more intimate as I learn acceptance and compassion.