Friday, July 24th
After every sexual encounter, I felt shame and hated myself for acting out again.
Many of us engaged in compulsive sex to fill a void left by the absence of personal self-esteem and connection. For some, our sexual acting out provided a short-term reprieve from our low self-worth by allowing us to feel powerful. We may have tried to recapture that feeling by objectifying ourselves to attract others. We sought the momentary excitement and validation we thought we needed to temporarily escape our deep-rooted sense of unworthiness.
“I got a high from the feeling that I was desirable to others. It quickly faded when the sex was over.”
In recovery, we can look objectively at our compulsion and detect the patterns of harm and negative thinking that can drive us deeper into that void.
We may choose to turn inward, restoring a healthy relationship with ourselves through the spiritual nourishment we find in the Steps. We can also turn outward by asking for help and by helping others. We develop compassion and a sense of community, gradually losing our instinct to self-isolate as we share honestly with other people. To build self-esteem, we more readily take esteemable actions.
We replace the demeaning voices in our heads with messages of approval and self-assurance