QUESTIONS & THOUGHTS

Question: How can “Dating” be one of the tools of the SCA Program, when most of my slips are from Dating Apps and Websites?

Please submit your Thoughts, Feelings or Experiences about this question to the e-mail address below. You can also submit a SCA related article, poem, post or etc. to be considered for publication to the same address:

scannereditor@sca-recovery.org

Thoughts:

Since coming to SCA NY in April of 2006 I have seen the numbers of attendees at meetings go down even before Covid-19. I’ve also observed that there are a core group of members who are very loyal to the program attending meetings regularly and doing service in the program. I’ve also been happy to see a constant arrival of newcomers who “keep it green” and are proof that the outreach program is working.

Rather than focusing on the popularity of the program as a measure of its success, I am content to be grateful that this wonderful twelve step based program of recovery for compulsive sexual behavior is here for me when I need it, which I find is often. — Gregory S.

The Tools of Dating and Socializing are unique to SCA and can be used to help build, support and aide in our recovery. However, like some of the other tools, they can be stressful to start to use. I know that even going to meetings at first was a reason for me to “act out”. When I got to the point where I felt I was ready for a “healthy” relationship I found I needed to define what “dating” was to me. So I created a “Dating Plan”. There were so many ways meeting new people could screw with my head that I found that I needed to be honest with myself on what I was doing. I needed to know if the date was going to be casual or serious before bringing sex into it. In trying this out I found I had to actually discuss this with the dates. What a concept! Strange I know, but it really helped me deal with all the feelings that can come up with dating and to maintain my sobriety according to my SRP (Sexual Recovery Plan). — Gary S.

Questions & Thoughts

Question: I’ve heard that “you’ve got to hit a bottom for the program to work”. How do I know if I’ve hit BOTTOM?

scannereditor@sca-recovery.org

Thoughts:

My view on “hitting bottom” is best expressed by the late David N., who wrote most of the Afterword for our Characteristics Commentary (P. 52 of the SCA Recovery Book) his words: “Some have suggested that we hit bottom when we stop digging: we finally realize how deep the hole in us had become.”

Eventually, my overwhelming desire to sexually act out led to a period where I despaired of ever being able to stop my behaviors. For me, that was “hitting bottom”. I gave up trying to dig further, and looked up, but couldn’t see the sky. I decided that I might as well go to a Twelve-Step meeting —which I had been avoiding—to see if I might find some possibility of breaking out of my downward spiral. — Anonymous

Questions & Thoughts

QUESTION: 11/’23 “I don’t like bothering other people with my problems.” Do I really need a Sponsor in order to do the SCA Program?

scannereditor@sca-recovery.org

THOUGHTS:

Back in AA’s early days, a sponsor was a member who would visit hospitals and “drying-out” facilities and offer to take responsibility for one of their patients. That meant not only that they would encourage them to go to AA meetings and work their recovery, but also might find them housing (Including inviting them into their own homes) and agree to be financially responsible for their sponsee.That level of commitment changed many years ago, and has never existed in SCA. The third tool in the SCA Recovery Book says “Sponsorship is two people with the same problem helping each other to work the program. It can provide a framework for a Sexual Recovery Plan and for doing the Twelve Steps, and can bring emotional support at difficult times.”

I found a sponsor in my first few months of SCA. He guided me through making my Sexual Recovery Plan and helped me with my Step work, though I was also a member of an independent Step writing group. These days, I don/t often need to call my sponsor: in fact he more often calls me. But that’s fine. For me, Sponsorship is a relationship of trust, honesty and mutual respect. I help him, and he helps me—as the SCA tool suggests. But I also have other program friends to whom I can turn.

To summarize: having a Sponsor greatly helped me in early recovery, especially by encouraging me to work the Steps. I no longer feel that I need a Sponsor, but I value our relationship.

Gordon B. (NY)

Questions & Thoughts

QUESTION: 10/’23 How has your concept of a “Higher Power” developed in the program?

scannereditor@sca-recovery.org

THOUGHTS: From WD

Before recovery, I thought of God as having a script of exactly how things were supposed to play out. “Doing God’s will” meant figuring out what the script is and running it perfectly. Failing to follow the script meant disappointing God. This script of how God wanted things to play out didn’t necessarily have any connection to what I wanted; my will was just a thing to be overcome in following God’s will.
This created a lot of unspoken resentment in me. When I was working the third step, this resentment came to the surface. How can I trust in the care of a God who treats me like a chess piece to be moved around in whatever way serves his endgame? Why would God give me free will if the goal was simply to act like an automaton, doing whatever the programmer dictated?
Then I asked myself, “Who in my life represents the care of God to me?” I realized that my fellows in the program, among others, were living images of the care of God. And how do they treat me? Do they say, “I have decided that this is what you need to do, regardless of whether you want to?” No. They may give advice. They may say, “That doesn’t seem like a great idea; you may want to think it through.” Or, “This seems like something that you might want to consider doing.” But in their love and care for me, they ultimately want me to develop my own will and my ability to choose my path in life.
And if this is how the people who represent the care of God treat me, then perhaps that is how God treats me as well. It has been a difficult shift in perspective to make. But I am learning to see God not as the one who dictates every decision I should make, but rather as the one who wants me to grow and mature in using my own will to make good choices that lead to my happiness and fulfillment.

Questions & Thoughts

QUESTION:

9/23 How do you chose your sponsor? What are your and their’s expectations?

scannereditor@sca-recovery.org

THOUGHTS:

8/’23 SCA’s “Statement of Purpose” is to help the addict who still suffers. A lot has changed in the last 50 years since SCA first addressed sexual addiction. SCA’s Outreach team would appreciate hearing from you on what is and isn’t working, not only in your local meetings but in general with how sexual compulsion/addiction is being addressed today?

Anonymous – SCA Los Angeles

SCA originally started in the gay communities of Los Angeles and New York, and is non-discriminating open to anyone suffering from sexual compulsion. I believe that most therapists and treatment centers still think of SCA as the place to recommend only to their LGBTQ clients. I think more people are seeking help from professionals first before attending any 12 Step “S” group and not finding their way to our meetings. Many people are not “acting out” but “acting in”. With the advent of Apps, social media, free porn, it’s easier to isolate into the disease . Even on line meetings are a bit isolating. As the nature of the disease has changed, SCA has kept up and produced some of the best literature available. With more Outreach, we can let the the health professionals become better informed about us and we can again become more available.

Gordon B.- Chair, SCA New York Intergroup

My experience is that SCA meeting attendance waxes and wanes. Currently, we are going through a transition period, in which a number of New York members attend our in-person meetings while avoiding Zoom meetings. Other NY members stick to Zoom but do not attend in-person meetings. We have a growing number of members who do not live in New York. For them, our Zoom meetings are a lifeline to the fellowship. Ideally, it would be great if those members eventually start their own in-person meetings locally. We are not yet at that point. But we should be grateful for what we have.

As a member of NY Outreach, I get a steady stream of inquiries from people looking for help. Some of them attend a few meetings, then drift away. Others stay. Many newcomers struggle with a sense of shame in admitting to be a sex addictive/sexual compulsive, etc. But I believe that more people than ever are asking for help. The pandemic added to the sense of isolation that many of us feel. Porn usage continues to rise. I believe that our fellowship is doing what we can to help the sexual compulsive who still suffers, both inside and outside the rooms. We can let go of the result.