Saturday, January 4th

Building a foundation seems boring to me.
Because I’ve rushed headlong into things, traditionally
But where has it gotten me? 

Sexual compulsion is a progressive disease. We were mostly in denial, especially in its earlier stages. As the disease progressed, we began to bargain with ourselves, hoping to find ways of controlling our behaviors. Whatever rules we set, we eventually broke. If we felt shame after our compulsive sexual activities, the only remedy seemed to be more sex. On and on we went, from one acting-out session to the next, turning to compulsive sex on both good and bad days.

“I got ‘high’ from my compulsive sexual behaviors and couldn’t stop — they only got worse.”

Many of us instinctively felt that our acting out was taking us further away from any spiritual connection. Nobody could tell us we were powerless; we had to come to that realization on our own. That moment of pain and desperation is what the program calls “hitting rock bottom.”

In meetings, we listen to Step One but might feel confused. We face an inner conflict: Denial and Control versus Honesty and Acceptance. By recalling our behaviors and acknowledging any damage we’ve done toward ourselves or others, we can embrace this first step and begin our recovery journey.

Recovery allows us to be open to change.

Friday, January 3rd

I had no insight or awareness as to why I was caught up in an endless cycle of obsession and compulsive sex. 

Many of us were so self-absorbed in our sexual compulsion that we failed to connect our actions with their consequences. We only wanted to satisfy our urge for more sex and to find the oblivion we desperately sought. For some, our worldview narrowed until compulsive sex was all we could see.

“What I liked even more than the physical sensation of sex was being desired. I had the desire to be desired. When I had sex with strangers, I felt I had some value.”

Sex and fantasy were our anesthetics, numbing our feelings and shielding us from the realities we didn’t want to face. We were circling the drain in an ever-tightening cycle of forgetfulness mixed with anger, secrecy, and shame.

By attending our first meeting, most of us can admit we have sexual behavioral issues. We might be unsure as to how much damage we have done to ourselves or others and what we can do about it. As we read the Characteristics and hear other members share, we may begin to find some clarity.

We begin our recovery journey when we admit we are powerless over our compulsion and that our lives have become unmanageable.