Wednesday, December 4th

I am trying to control my acting out, but I can’t stop slipping.

In our compulsion, many of us believed we were destined to continue our endless cycle of sexual acting out. Even if we were aware that sex was not the long-term solution to our problems, we still turned to it for temporary relief and escape.

In recovery, we hear that we can work the Steps and use the Tools to achieve a personality change that will help us move away from sexual compulsion. At first, this may sound unrealistic or even delusional.

SCA is a spiritual fellowship. We cannot control or force change; most of us have tried that and failed. As we listen to others share their experience, strength, and hope, we may acknowledge that recovery is possible. By trusting in a Higher Power of our choosing and through the support of other members, we can let go of the need to control our compulsion. This shift in our attitude is a process of acceptance.

Acceptance gives us the freedom to replace our harmful behaviors with healthy, affirming ones. We practice self-compassion and pass on these gifts by helping others.

Our ability to do, feel, and believe things previously impossible for us is a sign that our spiritual life is expanding.

When I trust my Higher Power, I have a daily reprieve.

Tuesday, December 3rd

My sex life is private, and it soothes my misery.

Many of us felt shame about our sexual compulsion and tried to conceal our activities from others to avoid the humiliation of being exposed. This sense of shame and low self-esteem often made us defensive and purposely vague in conversations about our lives. We often judged our compulsive behaviors harshly and did not want to be judged by others.

Sometimes, our shame developed into a sense of entitlement, and we might have felt offended by someone commenting on our activities, regardless of their motives. The closer the bond with that person, the more we resented their scrutiny.

Building a wall around our secrets enabled us to live in denial, fueling further resentment. We may have thought we were being treated unfairly, so we devised excuses or blamed others for our shortcomings and behaviors. This sense of victimhood often increased our compulsion and blocked us from wanting to change.

In recovery, we learn how honesty, openness, and willingness can free us from denial, secrecy, and self-pity. By shedding our defensive armor and the urge to claim victimhood, we may find it easier to love ourselves and relate to others.

As I work my recovery, I no longer see myself as a victim.