Wednesday, October 16th

Viewing porn took me out of myself. Otherwise, I felt pathetic and worthless.

Many of us have used fantasy to escape feelings of anxiety, fear, or shame. We saw it as a way to “check out” — to become oblivious to our thoughts, feelings, and surroundings.

For some, fantasy created a world we could control. We may have sought this refuge during childhood and deepened this compulsion when sex entered our lives. We often included porn and masturbation in our fantasies, expanding our bubble of magical thinking, compulsivity, and illusion.

“No real person could compete with the adrenaline surge of my fantasy scenarios.”

In recovery, we may learn more about ourselves by taking inventory. We begin to recognize the underlying feelings that often make us want to shun reality. Sharing our stories with other members provides us with a sense of community and mutual support. We come to realize that our lives can be different.

Gradually, we learn to separate fantasy from reality in life and our intimate relationships. With the help of our Higher Power, we begin to experiment with authentic sexual expression, learning to surrender ourselves instead of slipping into fantasy.

I no longer pretend I am someone else. I live my own life, content with reality.

Tuesday, October 15th

How can spiritual growth bring me serenity?

Many of us used sex to find excitement, validation, and connection that would satisfy us. Occasionally, we would open our eyes and see the wreckage that was our life. However, we might have become fatalistic about our compulsion: we told ourselves we were too far gone to change.

Entering recovery, we hear about sobriety and serenity through spiritual change. But how can we achieve such a transformation?

At meetings, we may learn such positive slogans as Honesty, Openness, Willingness — or Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. By being honest, open, and willing, we gradually experience awareness and acceptance. These can give us the courage and strength to take needed actions.

Living the Steps enables us to discover how positive actions and other tools can help achieve spiritual growth. By learning to love and by showing self-compassion, we can accept living in the present. We can then share this love, compassion, and acceptance with others.

As we work with our Higher Power to remove our character defects and restore relationships, we may begin to feel a great sense of peace and serenity. We feel free to let go of sexual compulsion as our Higher Power and embrace the changes in our lives.

My serenity lets me live without fear or shame.