Sunday, April 20th
I sought perfection to punish and correct myself for being defective.
Shame is the lens through which we might see ourselves and the world. Shame can drive us into self-hatred and isolation. No one must perceive how loathsome we think we are.
This feeling of self-loathing often leads to perfectionism. We might try to channel the feeling of being defective into the need to be “as good as.” This soon becomes the need to be “better than.” But no matter how often we excel, we secretly feel it isn’t good enough and that we have failed again.
We may seek approval from others to cover up our perceived defects. We might find temporary validation through casual sex but might also engage in harmful sexual behaviors to act out our negative self-judgment.
Yet, we may discover that what we want is not short-term validation or degradation but an experience of wholeness, fulfillment, and joy — a spiritual experience.
In recovery, we may hear the slogan Progress, not perfection. As we use the Steps and Tools to help modify our behaviors, we may feel a change in outlook. This spiritual transformation can help us accept who we are and let go of the perfectionism that can lead to shame and self-sabotage.
By loving myself, with all my flaws and defects, I have begun to heal.