Thursday, February 6th
My compulsive sexual behaviors became driven by resentment, feeling victimized and cheated by life.
Sometimes, feelings of anger at ourselves or toward others became overwhelming. Often, we turned it inward, where it took the form of self-hatred. These feelings were overpowering at times, and we sought the numbness and escape we found in ever more extreme compulsive behaviors. We wanted to “check out” — to become oblivious to our thoughts, feelings, and surroundings.
“I spent more and more time at bathhouses and booth stores, all to cover up crushing pain, resentment, bitterness, envy, and tons of toxic shame.”
We were sure that others could see our lack of value. We felt intensely lonely, often left out, ignored, and excluded. Our behaviors stopped providing any lasting relief from our feeling of being “less than.” We realized that our lives had become unmanageable and that we needed help.
By attending meetings and working the program one day at a time, we gradually find freedom from our most destructive behaviors and toxic shame. Our ability to do, feel, and believe things previously impossible for us is a sure sign that our spiritual life is expanding.
Being sober and aligned with my Sexual Recovery Plan does not insulate me from life’s difficulties and obstacles. However, recovery allows me to approach them with sanity.