Monday, April 14th
I am healing from the repressed anger and frustrations that fueled my sexual compulsion.
Some of us experienced neglect during our childhood. Others had families that discouraged emotional expression. Because of this, many of us developed ways to suppress or avoid the feelings we were not allowed to express or found difficult to process. Some of us believed those feelings would hurt us, embarrass us, or remind us of past shame or abandonment.
“I believed I was not a ‘normal child’ compared to my schoolmates. I wanted to hide.”
For many of us, sex and fantasy numbed our pain and sheltered us from the realities we did not want to face. These repetitive behaviors increased our core of shame and sense of unworthiness. This cycle drove us to seek others to use sexually to relieve our continual need for affirmation. The more we relied on this temporary infusion of validation, the less worthy and more incomplete we felt.
One of the most challenging tasks in sobriety is making peace with our past. One definition of forgiveness is giving up hope of ever having a better childhood. The process of grief and loss that accompanies this shift can bring forth another round of pain that eventually liberates us.
I have let go of my past and can now enjoy living in the present.