Wednesday, April 23rd

The more sex I had, the more I wanted. I could not stop.

When we first heard Step One read at a meeting, many of us equated powerlessness with helplessness. Admitting powerlessness and unmanageability was one thing, but how to gain back that power—to regain “control”—seemed out of our reach. Control still seemed the key to regaining our lives. Yet, we had tried it so often but achieved so little.

“I related to the sense of powerlessness. I felt tremendous self-loathing because I was not able to stop acting out. I was circling the drain with no way out.”

We decided to give SCA a try. We began by putting one foot before the other: attending meetings, hearing and reading some of the literature, meeting other members, and perhaps working with an interim sponsor.

“I first tried working my program to control my disease. Now I admit that I’ll never control the disease and that the way forward is to let go of the need to control.”

As we gain trust and surrender our need to control, we turn our thoughts and actions over to the care of the Higher Power of our understanding, which opens us up to become sane, serene, and sexually sober. This is what it means to “Let go and let God.”

I have seen my life expand in a way I could not have imagined.

Tuesday, April 22nd

Rage led me to seek harmful ways to have sex.

Many of us used compulsive sex to escape from painful feelings. We may have carried many resentments — some from as far back as our childhood — which smoldered within, sometimes erupting in the form of damage to ourselves or others.

Replaying those old resentments tended to magnify them, increasing our anger or self-loathing. Anxieties about our future often provided another excuse to medicate ourselves through sexual acting out.

As we recover from sexual compulsion, we find the courage to share our thoughts and feelings at meetings. We might also journal about them, using writing as a tool that helps clear the fog in our minds and short-circuit the connection between resentments and acting out. Some of us do this as a daily practice, checking in and learning to be rigorously honest with ourselves and our Higher Power. Once we build up some trust that the Higher Power of our understanding cares for us, we start taking actions to change our lives.

We remember that recovery does not usually progress in a neat, linear fashion. We find that living one day at a time simplifies our needs and enables us to “right size” life’s frustrations and setbacks. We will not replay the past nor try to control the future.

I get a daily reprieve by staying on my beam of recovery and living in the moment.