Wednesday, October 16th
Viewing porn took me out of myself. Otherwise, I felt pathetic and worthless.
Many of us have used fantasy to escape feelings of anxiety, fear, or shame. We saw it as a way to “check out” — to become oblivious to our thoughts, feelings, and surroundings.
For some, fantasy created a world we could control. We may have sought this refuge during childhood and deepened this compulsion when sex entered our lives. We often included porn and masturbation in our fantasies, expanding our bubble of magical thinking, compulsivity, and illusion.
“No real person could compete with the adrenaline surge of my fantasy scenarios.”
In recovery, we may learn more about ourselves by taking inventory. We begin to recognize the underlying feelings that often make us want to shun reality. Sharing our stories with other members provides us with a sense of community and mutual support. We come to realize that our lives can be different.
Gradually, we learn to separate fantasy from reality in life and our intimate relationships. With the help of our Higher Power, we begin to experiment with authentic sexual expression, learning to surrender ourselves instead of slipping into fantasy.
I no longer pretend I am someone else. I live my own life, content with reality.