Before recovery, I thought of God as having a script of exactly how things were supposed to play out. “Doing God’s will” meant figuring out what the script is and running it perfectly. Failing to follow the script meant disappointing God. This script of how God wanted things to play out didn’t necessarily have any connection to what I wanted; my will was just a thing to be overcome in following God’s will.
This created a lot of unspoken resentment in me. When I was working the third step, this resentment came to the surface. How can I trust in the care of a God who treats me like a chess piece to be moved around in whatever way serves his endgame? Why would God give me free will if the goal was simply to act like an automaton, doing whatever the programmer dictated?
Then I asked myself, “Who in my life represents the care of God to me?” I realized that my fellows in the program, among others, were living images of the care of God. And how do they treat me? Do they say, “I have decided that this is what you need to do, regardless of whether you want to?” No. They may give advice. They may say, “That doesn’t seem like a great idea; you may want to think it through.” Or, “This seems like something that you might want to consider doing.” But in their love and care for me, they ultimately want me to develop my own will and my ability to choose my path in life.
And if this is how the people who represent the care of God treat me, then perhaps that is how God treats me as well. It has been a difficult shift in perspective to make. But I am learning to see God not as the one who dictates every decision I should make, but rather as the one who wants me to grow and mature in using my own will to make good choices that lead to my happiness and fulfillment.