FOOD FOR THOUGHT
by Richard K., SCA-San Luis Obispo, CA
Letters Never Sent….
Forgive them; for they know not what they do….
This recovery business is a lot harder, and a lot more
confusing, than I ever thought it would be. For one thing, I
never really thought that recovery was, and is, my
responsibility. Somehow, I thought at first that my Sponsor and
the guys in the meetings and the Program itself would take care
of that and all I had to do was go along for the ride. I see
now that it certainly doesn’t work that way… And lucky for me
it doesn’t! I got myself into this dis-ease, as they call it,
and it’s strictly up to me to get myself out of it. My Sponsor,
the guys in the meetings and the Program are tools and are a big
help, but without my active participation in my recovery, forget
The Bible says that Jesus said from the cross: “Father
forgive them; for they know not what they do.” Or something
like that. I’m not a big fan of the Bible, but I think that’s
the gist of it. Well, I’m seeing that that applies to me, and
my life, right here and right now, as well.
People all around me are being themselves and doing their
thing and a lot of that really bums me out — pisses me off,
really. I used to think — and still do much of the time — that
how nice it would be if my partner would only come round to my
way of thinking, and do things my way instead of his. He really
bugs me a lot of the time… his opinions clash with mine…
his daily doings often embarrass me, or just plain don’t make
sense to me.
And other people… wow! Sometimes I just can’t figure out
where they’re coming from… why they do some of the things
they do… why they react to me the way they often do… Why
can’t they be nice and peaceful like me…
And those jerks in politics and in charge of the way things
are run around here. Man! If only they’d let me…
Well, God, my Friend, I think I’m finally beginning to
figure it out… the way You mean for things to work. It
finally dawned on me that I’m sure not meant to run things and
have things go totally my way… And thank You for that! Amen!
Now I’m not saying that I’m practicing this all the time, but
at least I’m aware of it more of the time. That’s a good start,
The big thing about this realization is that I can exist very
well, thank you, no matter how others react toward me, or no
matter what they do to bug me or put me down or not come across
like I’d like them to or whatever. Of course, if they pulled
out a gun and let me have it, I might not exist any longer here,
but that’s a little different story, although maybe that’s just
what You had in mind at the time anyway. Who am I to try to
figure out what You’ve got in mind! Why should I be
particularly bothered because someone doesn’t like my shirt, or
the cereal I eat, the way I comb my hair, or the way I leave a
few little crumbs in the sink? That’s just the way I am. If
they try to change me, they’re going to have a hard time of it.
If I try to change them, I’ll have an even harder time — even
though they do bother the hell out of me.
I guess what I’m trying to get at, God old Buddy, is that each
and every person around here is doing just what he can, and what
he knows how to do at the moment. And he’s living and acting
just as You’ve planned even though it’s pretty hard to make
sense of it. Pardon my blasphemy or whatever the wise ones
might choose to call it.
So, God, I’m realizing, and slowly learning, that the best
thing for me is to look at everyone else with love and peace.
Look at them as brothers and sisters, because that’s precisely
what they are. The things they do, they might do out of
ignorance of what’s really right for them, what’s really best
for them and for all those around them. At the moment, they
just don’t know any better. That’s fine. I can feel hurt by
what someone does or says, or not do or say, but it doesn’t mean
I’m going to wither up and die. I certainly have a right, as we
all do, to let them know how what they’re doing or saying
affects me. But I don’t have a right to step in and say, “Hey,
get a life! What’s with you, anyway? When are you going to
wise up?” Those things are between them and You.
You know, God, I sort of like that way of thinking… How’s
about helping me really accept that and really live it. Sure
makes sense, but I’ve got a lot of garbage to get rid of before
I can adopt that principle. Know any good trash pickup outfits?
Forgive me; when I know not what I’m doing…
Well, it’s me again. I’ve been thinking a little more about
what I wrote in that last letter. You know, there’s a lot of
times when I run around doing things and I don’t know what I’m
doing either. Like when I hit the tearooms, looking wildly for
some kind of attention — read that SEX — no matter how much
danger it was, or how filthy the place. Or when I booze it up a
little too much. Or spending time on the computer BBS getting
off with someone I’ve never met, and not likely ever will.
Anonymous! You bet. Just about as anonymous as I can get.
Just having fun! After all, I’ve been working really hard, and
I deserve a break. Sure I do!
Or when I spend a lot of time ogling that hunk walking down
the street. Poor guy. Likely he doesn’t know it, and if he
did, I doubt if he’d appreciate it at all. Not at all. But I
can dream, can’t I?
Or when I judge other people by my own set of “values,”
however screwed up these might be. Thinking they are wrong, and
I’m right. Or when I put someone else down for being who they
are, just because there’s something about them that bugs me, or
rubs me the wrong way, or I didn’t get what I thought I needed
Yep, there are times, all right, when I don’t really know
what I’m doing and later I realize that I really went off
bonkers. Big time! Just who do I think I am when I go off the
path You’ve laid out for me and wander out into left field? So
I guess what I’m saying here, good Buddy, is that I could sure
use some of Your help in getting back to knowing just what I’m
doing when I’m doing it, or — better yet — when I’m just about
to do it. Guess that’s what the Program means when it says that
it’s good for me to turn my life and my will over to a power
higher than myself. That’s You, isn’t it? Why is that so hard
to do? How’s about it? Help me out here, OK?
Forgive me; when I forget who I am…
Back again, God, my Friend…
Been thinking again. And it’s not all that dangerous.
I’ve been thinking about that when I’m doing weird things,
like acting out and such, that I’m really forgetting just who I
am. I’m forgetting all the things I’ve learned over the years
from the Program and other places about how I’m one of Your
creations, just like everyone and everything else. That makes
me feel pretty special. And I see that I’m not living up to
that concept by screwing myself up with these activities.
Here I am, shining in Your light… basking in Your love and
You’re not spending any time judging the stuff I do; no matter
how weird or destructive. I imagine You must get pissed now and
then at me, but You sure don’t show it. I mean no bolt of
lightning has zapped me yet, and there’s a lot of people who’d
say I really deserve a bundle of them. And You keep coming back
to me — right here inside, here near my heart, right? — and
whispering things that are “right” for me to be doing. Things
that are healthy for me. Things that won’t get me into Heaven
later on when I finally kick the bucket, but let me realize
Heaven can be right here and now, this minute, if I let it.
Things that You meant for me when You put me together out of all
those molecules and atoms and things that are always floating
around this Universe of Yours.
So what do I do? I go act out. Out of frustration?
Meanness? Loneliness? Fear? Doubt? Cussedness? Who knows? I
guess You do, but I sure don’t. I’m just forgetting who I am —
Your loving creation — and just going off and doing my own
thing. And creating my own Hell when I do it. The way You set
things up, as I see it, when I screw myself up, I get punished
for it by being miserable — some look at it as just plain Hell.
And when I finally get on the right track for me, then I get
rewarded by living and seeing just how great and beautiful life
is and can be. And that happens often enough for me to realize
that that’s the way things work. That’s the way You set up the
Now, all I have to do is live by Your guidelines — some call
it God’s Will — more and more, and pretty soon — who knows — I
just might get as close to being like You as is possible. Well,
maybe not in this existence, but someday… Hey, You know, that
sounds really good. Help me to get there, OK?
Your loving son…
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous International Service Organization
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