MY FEARS by Vincent P.
I begin from my earliest memories at age four when I was watching home
movies at my Aunt Grace and Uncle Joe’s house. I recall that time as being
a happy period in my life before my brother began to play those sibling
games that are common with most of us. The only exception here is that
those games persisted until I fought him off of me in the swimming pool of
my parents’ house at age fifteen or so.
To this day, my brother and I have an uneasy, but amiable relationship. We
are not close; at least I admit to not feeling close to him. And yet, I
have always wanted to have a close relationship with my brother, and feel
that the lack of that close relationship has been the core of my inability
to be intimate with men. My mother is my model for my inability to be
intimate with women. The dominant emotion that surfaces for me with
intimacy is FEAR! Fear of being rejected; fear of being judged negatively,
and fear of not being loved on an equal measure as to how I am loving the
other person. Basically, I’m afraid of being hurt, and that brings up
images of my early childhood.
That fear has often turned into isolation, anger and sexual “acting-out” as
a means of avoiding the fear and the pain of being emotionally bruised. I
have built a wall of armor around myself that tells the world, “Keep out;
trespass at your own risk!” And yet, I revel at my positive relationships
with my family, friends, co-workers, colleagues and clients today. I know
that I am a loving, gentle, passionate, sexual, and nurturing man who wants
only to be accepted for who I am and to give of myself easily to others on
my own terms. I want to give when I want to, and I want to receive from
others when I am ready to receive those gifts. Life is a give and take
situation; we need one another to make it through the bad times as well as
the good times. But – and this is a big BUT – I am afraid most when my life
begins to flow in the right direction. I am afraid that a big roadblock, or
monster, or impenetrable force is waiting around the corner to slam me down
to the floor! The basic theme here is that: “I don’t deserve good things
happening to me in my life.”
I do know that I can get men! I have built up my body to fit the image! I
walk into a bar or club with the attitude that I will be sexually gratified,
at least for the moment! And yet, I don’t even give my body the credit that
it deserves from all those hours at the gym and depriving myself of treats
that add too many calories and make me fat! I know that I still have that
image of the fat boy from years ago and have difficulty letting him go!
Perhaps I don’t have to let him go. Maybe I’ll let him stay with me along
with the other cast of characters that I have in my repertoire.
It is my choice as to how much power I give to those characters that do not
serve me, instead of giving my power to myself as Vincent! This is an
on-going struggle, but thanks to the SCA Program and AL-ANON Program, I feel
stronger and more confident in just being who I am today, and that I am
enough just for being who I am! I am learning to trust in myself and to
love myself more each day, and as a result, I know my life is working for
the better and my dreams are being realized. Thank you.