….I think that there needs to be better communication and
better love and understanding of one another….
By Scott H
The purpose of me sharing my story is to let you know that I’m
somebody who is out of control, and that I need to admit — to
own — my powerlessness; that my addiction has caused some pain
in my life, and the pain was enough to make me want to change.
And I also hope that the pain that I continue to feel, and the
things that I continue to feel that are not healthy for me, will
motivate me to want to change. I’m alive for the very purpose
of growing; I believe that we’re always growing and I want to
continue to learn. True learning is growth.
In reference to the thirty-two years of my life, I like the
words, “They were the best of times, they were the worst of
The very subject of sexual addiction seems to bring back much of
the “worst of times” of my life. Sex as a drug may not have
direct expenses always related to it, but it definitely has
Sexual addiction’s highest cost is pain; pain for myself and for
those I love. It has cost me my self-esteem, relationships, a
marriage, the ability to be with my three children on a day to
day basis, and, while it, fortunately, hasn’t cost me my life
yet — through AIDS or violence — it has threatened. I believe
an example of my compulsivity was continuing to act out in a
place where I had previously been threatened by a person with a
switchblade, and, on another occasion, where I had received a
“martial arts” kick to the side of my head by someone I had just
“gotten off” with. I have seen people arrested and hauled away
for doing the same things I do, and in the same places. I am
really amazed that all of these negative “consequences” (costs)
still couldn’t keep me from my drug!
When my wife told me that she needed me to move out for her, and
our children’s, safety, I decided then it was time to get real
help. I contacted and checked into Golden Valley Sexual
Dependency Unit in Minnesota. I had, prior to that, been
involved with therapists and social workers, as well as a Twelve
Step Program (SA). I hadn’t hit bottom — I hadn’t admitted my
powerlessness over my addiction! I now see so much of the
insanity of my life and I am still, today, “powerless over my
I learned, in Minnesota, some tools to use to help myself. I
also learned that the “addict” within me whom I’d been trying to
conquer and kill for years, is really the abused child inside of
When I, as an adult, continue to take myself to act out, I am
often reliving the abuses I was dealt as a child. I even tell
myself, deep down inside, some of the ugly things I was told,
such as, I am “unworthy”, or “bad”, “undesirable”, “dirty”, etc.
I’ve learned that I need to stop trying to “conquer and kill” my
addict as well; because by such a “power” attitude, or “closed
fist-fight” attitude, I would only continue to be suicidal. I
was wanting to kill myself because “I am bad, unworthy, etc.”.
So I thought! I was wrong!!
Today, I tell myself I am capable of loving and being loved. I
am really a good person who is intelligent, healthy and
handsome. I am fun to be with… and gentle. I am also
sensitive. I am, most of all, a child inside who is all of
these things plus many more.
Today, I am loving and nurturing the abused child of my past by
treating myself with tough, but real, love. The way I should
have been, and deserved to have been, treated as a child.
I am ashamed of the pain I’ve caused my ex-wife, my children, my
ex-lover, myself and anyone else I’ve hurt through my addiction.
I am sorry…..
I love life today! I’m glad I’m alive because it gives me the
day to day opportunities to learn. Learning, and application of
what we’ve learned, is growth. I’m glad I’m growing. I feel
the “inner child” growing up in a healthy way. It doesn’t
happen without slips and falls — but I also can learn from
those if I stop to see WHY I fell, then figure out a better way
to deal with that situation in the future. Or, even more
important, to “better deal with that situation” when it comes
again into my present.
As I’ve learned to love and accept myself, I’ve learned to get
rid of the childhood-formed mind-chatter that tells me that I’m
not acceptable as I am. WE ARE ACCEPTABLE AS WE ARE — as gay
people, and as addicts. As I’ve learned to become more
comfortable with myself, I can share my life with people who
aren’t even part of the SCA Program; who love me and accept me
as I am. They don’t always understand, but they do love me and
accept me as I am.
I hope that there have been some things in here which have been
helpful to someone out there. That’s the purpose of me sharing
my story — as well as helping me to be “present” in my life.
If you need help, contact places of help; continue to come to
the Program. Share what you’re REALLY feeling with other people
in the Program and give them a chance to validate you and let
you know that your feelings are real; that your feelings are
valid and that you’re loved just as you are. We’re all in here
together; let’s strive to make our lives more healthy.
May we all be blessed by our Higher Powers to help us get our
needs met in healthy, honest ways. As a friend in my Group
says– “Happy Sexuality, everybody!” Thank you.