RICHARD’S FIRST STEP… POWERLESSNESS by Richard R.
May 26, 1990; I admit I am powerless over my compulsive sexual behavior;
that my life has become unmanageable. Most of all I want these writings to
be dedicated to Richard; to free me from my guilt and shame, and to be able
to build a strong foundation for my life. To begin a new life full of
wonderous self-love and acceptance.
My first sexual compulsive feelings occurred in a men’s changing room at a
public swimming pool. I got excited by seeing men taking off their clothes
in front of one another. I am able to still remember the feelings I felt
and the compulsive sensations of not being able to get enough; my heart
racing uncontrollably; feeling hot and flushed; completely unmanageable.
I want no part of the feelings I feel when feeling compulsive. Bookstores
became a habit that I could not break. I could spend hours of a day or a
night just waiting for prey. When on the road and in a new city, the first
thing I needed to know was where the bookstore was, or where I could buy a
porno magazine to give me comfort. I really felt helpless when I had to
visit the bookstore twice a day, or go from one bookstore to the next,
searching to find a guy with masculinity who had the same feelings I did.
Those guys that teased me, called me sissy, and couldn’t include me in their
life or be my friend. It made me feel better to know that they wanted to
see me, and show me what I wanted to see. I still feel strongly titillated
thinking about it.
It makes me crazy with one-track-minded lust; the kind of lust that drove me
on to peek under shower stalls; that didn’t think or care at the risk
involved. The kind of lust that nearly ruined my life and the love
relationship that I have today. The disrespect I created in this situation
for other people; to not consider others’ feelings; to use them only to
fulfill my fantasy.
Just before recovery, I remember fighting with myself and my feelings.
Just dismissing people in the middle of acting out, and saying, “I’m sorry.
I can’t do this,” and bolting; leaving that dark rat-hole – fleeing for my
life, and afraid. Will anyone see me come out of this place or see me go in
upon entering? And the smell that hits when you come in; it smells like
hell! That smell helps me keep away.
If my thoughts think it might be fun, it wouldn’t be. It would make me feel
dirty, bad, and inhuman, and I don’t want to inflict those feelings on
Richard anymore. I’ve wasted enough time feeling like a pervert to ever
enter a bookstore again. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on magazines and
porno videos. I could spend hours slipping through fantasizing; I love to
read the fantasy which gave me the ideas to look for sex in all the wrong
places. A shower room or a change room holds me powerless. I will stay to
see what I can, and sooner or later often very much later – you can find a
willing man who wants to play.
I wanted to play with boys when I was a boy, and I continue to want to play
that game; so much so that I took a frightening risk and tried to create a
situation where I could see and play with young boys. At the age of 30 I
still wanted to play this game with boys who were my close and trusted
friends. They looked up to me for love and acceptance and guidance. I’m
afraid I let them down. I will tell them, and I know they will forgive me.
But what do I say to their mother who put me in their care? I remember very
clearly after a masturbation binge, laying desperate, thinking: There has
got to be help for me; I can’t stand myself. I called out and confessed my
sins to a woman who said it was all right and that it wasn’t bad. But it
didn’t help or change anything; I still felt bad.
After buying all those magazines, I could feel the weight of them on my
shoulders. How to dispose of them? How to get rid of the evidence? Will
anyone see that I have these nasty books? Sheer terror!
I put my life in danger by picking up a male hooker, because in the
fantasies I was reading it was a very popular topic. So I thought: Just to
see what it might be like. The shame and disgusting way I felt after he
robs me of a watch, a hundred dollars and my self-esteem. I feel lucky that
I escaped with my body intact. I put myself at the height of danger to see
and play the masculine game with the boy on the street.
I felt a sense of great power when compulsed; as if I could connect and take
over a man’s will and make them do what I wanted them to do. I even felt –
I did it through windows while voyeuring with a guy who didn’t know I was
there. Many hours were spent to get the fix I needed.
I found a tool which helped release my inhibitions and take the risks I was
taking. Pot allowed me to lighten my feelings, relieve my fears and
tensions from realities. So much of the risky acting out behavior took
place under the influence of pot; something I need to remember and not to
take lightly. Pot made me feel horny and when I was horny there was no
stopping me.
I searched and hunted in various ways to get what I wanted, which was to see
another man. I was driven on a daily basis. I wanted to see EVERY man.
The hardest thing for me to overcome is to stop checking every man’s crotch;
although a lot of progress has been made. It haunts me that I look and
wonder that sometimes I want to see them naked. What seems a hundred times
a day! When it happens, I feel like I’m bad and I say, “Why do you look or
have to know? It’s not your business.” I want to be free of it and I give
it up to God. PLEASE! Let me see people as a whole and not just… see
that one part of them!
So much has opened up for me through my Program. I’m more able to see
people as people without sexual intrigue attached. The serenity and love I
now know, and believe is possible, is just as exciting as the compulsiveness
used to be. January First, 1990, I was given a clean bill of health, and a
second chance at making my life joyous, happy, and full of healthy love. I
want to know the joys of feeling my God-given sexuality; not to give it to
just anyone. I have helped others by helping myself and that’s a power that
feels good! I don’t have to hide in the shadows any longer. I’m out in the
world making it better for me and my fellow man. Thank you.