My Story: John

[NOTE: The following story when published was criticized for being too
graphic. Use with caution.]


by John (Submitted through the Rochester, NY, Intergroup)

Other than the usual sexual experimentation that most kids have,
the most memorable experience that I had had was with this 17
year old kid. He was really strong. He put his thing in my
mouth. At that time I didn’t know what it was… and I was on
my knees crying. As he held my head really hard, he proceeded
to urinate in my mouth. I will never forget this really weird
laugh that was coming from him. I never told anyone about this.

Growing up in a large family, I didn’t get to be alone in the
house very much. When I did, it was a treat. At first, I would
go downstairs to the family room. Ritually, I would slowly take
my clothes off. This was exciting! I would masturbate quickly,
as I did not want anyone to know what I had done.

One day, while in the family room naked, I walked up to, but not
out of, this door which leads to the back yard. While standing
there, I felt this powerful excitement – stronger than anything
I had ever felt before. I was trembling. It was not long
before I began to venture outside; at first rather quickly, then
a little further each time. By now, I started to slow down – I
wanted this good feeling to last; I liked it too much to hurry.
Even though I did not want to be seen, I was walking around my
back yard totally naked. Finally, I was seen.

I had this one friend I saw every day. I really liked his body,
but he didn’t have much of a brain. We did the usual kid stuff
like bike riding, but I always seemed to be thinking of how I
could get his clothes off, and what I would like to do. It
seemed a victory when I would get him to do what I wanted him to

I always had this inescapable longing feeling. People always
told me being GAY was a terrible way to be. I knew I liked boys
and was not real pleased with myself for that. I would
masturbate thinking about another boy’s body. Then I would feel
this shame. I felt as if I had done something wrong; that I was
less – not as good as the other kids. I began to hate myself.
I had to be secretive. Nobody could know about me. Whenever I
saw a body that I really wanted, I became frustrated. I WANTED
IT BADLY! If I asked, which was rare, they would know that. I
also began to get depressed. Masturbation seemed to be the only
thing that took this stuff away.

When I was 17, my little brother introduced me to this friend of
his. We liked each other, talked, held on to each other’s PP,
then hugged. He asked me to call him. When I did, his sister,
who did not like me, somehow found out that we touched. I was
arrested. They locked me in this cement closet for over two
hours. I was chained to the wall. It was about a week before
Christmas and I felt alone. My Mom was the only one to know.
She said it was a phase I was going through. I knew there was
not going to be a change.

It was not long after that my parents got divorced. Mom sold
the house and moved to Florida. I moved into my first apartment
with my friend. It was not working out. I started going to the
bookstore a lot. I started having sex with complete strangers
quite frequently. Afterwords, I felt DIRTY! But, it finally
got so that I could black out these feelings. I began to
masturbate before, as well as after, work. Always looking for a
new way to get that high. I idolized people and gave them power
that they did not have. I was doing things to get put down and
laughed at. Yet, I got this strange satisfaction from those

I met someone who was interested in me. I seemed to focus all
my energies on this person. I stopped going out for awhile.
Then, something happened. I was walking down these railroad
tracks when I heard boys’ voices. My heart started to beat
wildly – out of control. When I was about forty feet away, I
could see they were around 14. I pulled my pants down and
masturbated; I pretended that I did not see them. It took only
a second, and I pulled them up and left. I thought to myself,

If I heard a boy’s voice, I had to see him. I would wait by the
windows for hours; waiting for a chance to expose myself. I
finally got my license and began using my car in the same way.
I knew they only needed my plate number and I would get in
trouble. I didn’t care; even about the most important thing in
the world to me – MY FREEDOM…

My relationship was not working. No matter what I did, I was
always wrong or not good enough. There always seemed to be a
reason for him to be angry with me. I had to leave, but could
not. There was this force pulling me back. I realized I was
addicted to this person’s abuse.

I began to seek relief the only way I knew how – sex and my car.
I began to obsessively drive around looking for adolescents. I
looked for someone walking alone. I just wanted them to see me
naked from the waist down, but sometimes I got carried away and
touched myself in front of them. I did not feel bad, as I was
blacking out all of my feelings by now. I could hide from
everything this way. I drove until I could no longer drive, or
stay awake, masturbating throughout.

This was when I realized I had a little problem. I was doing
all these things which I did not want to do. I tried to control
it; made promises to myself and others, but couldn’t keep any of

By accident I found SCA. Through this Program I have learned
that there is strength in numbers; people with common problems
working towards a common goal. For the very first time in my
life, I have ME. I think that I am worth something. I can make
a promise and uphold it. I am making amends to all those who I
have harmed by not endangering the emotional development of
adolescent boys, by not exposing myself, and by continuing in my
recovery programs.